Counting the Days
by Bramblesong's Vulpix
Summary: Leafpool reflects on everything that has happened it the last moon. Takes place the next half-moon after Sunrise. One-shot (Challenge for Iceclan)


**Wooo! Okay, I finally finished! This is my first challenge for Iceclan. The topic was, "There is nothing like giving up on something that was your whole life." I immediately thought Leafpool. Well, here it is!**

**Also, the conversation used in the flashbacks are taken directly from Sunrise. I did not write them.**

The night was young, not even moonhigh. The stars that were my warrior ancestors glimmered like frosty flakes of snow in the everlasting night sky. Fantastic oak trees curved gracefully into the ThunderClan camp, their leaves like a shroud. My clanmates were fast asleep in their mossy nests that still held scents of the great forest that Thunderclan called it's home. Graystripe snored loudly enough to wake all the cats in the warriors den, and Hazeltail twitched and ear in her sleep. All this was as it should be. There was only one problem; Me

Why is my nest in the warriors den, the place where my brave clanmates sleep so they can catch prey for ThunderClan in the morning? Why am I attempting to fall asleep so I won't be tired for the dawn patrol in the morning? In fact, why am I even here in the camp right now? Tonight if the half-moon.

All of these thoughts buzzed around like bumblebees in my head. I asked myself these questions over and over, hoping, _wishing, _for a different response, but the answer always stayed the same.

I am no longer a medicine cat.

I knew this of course, I wasn't surprised. I had even accepted it, but nevertheless the thought always hit me harder than a monster when it came to the forefront of my mind. Tonight was the worst so far, as it was the first half-moon since I had stepped down from my post as the medicine cat of ThunderClan. Jayfeather would be traveling to the Moonpool as the sole representative of ThunderClan. I don't doubt him of course, he is a fantastic medicine cat. He knows all the herbs that there are to learn, and he has a special connection with Starclan that I haven't seen in any other cat before. He has been, and always will be, a medicine cat that ThunderClan can be proud of, as well as a son that I will always care for. How badly I wish I could be there with him right now! But of course, there is no way that could happen.

Knowing that I would be unable to find sleep, I, with great caution, carefully sat up from my mossy nest, ready to leave the den. Placing my paws delicately, I stepped around Berrynose and Poppyfrost, who had nests next to each other, and silently padded out into the stone hollow. I looked upward into the dark, starlit, sky, to see that moon-high was approaching. Suddenly feeling a pair of eyes on me, I turned toward the entrance of the camp. Cinderheart, who was keeping watch for the night, locked eyes with me, but not in a hostile way. Her dark blue eyes shined with an inner brilliance and wisdom. _Just like Cinderpelt… _I thought wistfully. Cinderheart was unmistakably the reincarnation of my old mentor, Cinderpelt. Not only did they look very similar, with the same dark gray fur and luminous blue eyes, but they both had a very similar personality as well.

In a hushed voice, as to not wake the rest of the clan, I whispered my reason for leaving the camp. "I can't sleep, I'm going for a walk."

Cinderheart blinked. Not a quick, confused blink that a cat would make when they miss a mouse that was right underneath their paws, but a slow, reassuring blink. Despite Cinderheart not speaking a word to me, I could tell exactly what she was telling me.

"Thank you." I whispered in an even quieter voice quivering with emotion. _And I'm sorry… _I thought. I wished I could say that to Cinderpelt herself, not Cinderheart, as I knew that my mentor's reincarnation would never understand. _You told me that I was a medicine cat, that I couldn't take a mate. I should have listened to you then… I've let you down Cinderpelt, I'm sorry… _

Not wishing for Cinderheart to sense my grief, I quickly padded out of the camp as fast as I could without seeming too rushed.

0o0o0o0o0o

The forest was as silent as a mouse during leaf-bare, save for the occasional chirp of a cricket, of whispering of the wind in the tree branches. Despite never training to be particularly stealthy, I could still travel through the forest with enough silence to keep the atmosphere calm. Scenting the air, I caught a whiff of fresh lake scent. It was refreshing, like a breath of cool wind tickling my fur on a hot, green-leaf, day. However, there was another scent that made my ears perk up. _Mouse. _Dropping into the best hunter's crouch I could manage, I begin to scent the air once again in an attempt to locate the piece of prey.

Narrowing my bright amber eyes to slits, I decided that it must be hiding underneath the low-hanging frond of an arching fern. Putting each paw down a delicately as a feather would land on the ground, I began to stalk the unsuspecting gray rodent. As I was continuing, I noticed a slight hitch in my stride. Knowing that it could become a problem, I slowed and attempted to correct whatever was making the hitch, but to no avail. I almost growled in frustration. _How am I suppose to correct something if I don't know what is wrong! _I snapped at myself. I lashed my tail, irritated with my incompetence to do a simple hunter's crouch. Unluckily for me, there was another fern right next to where I was attempting to crouch. The small rustle of noise alerted the tiny gray creature, who then bolted off towards a tiny hole in the ground. Realizing my mistake, I pounced, hoping to catch the mouse before it got to it's escape route.

No luck. I didn't have enough strength in my legs to reach that far. When I performed my hunter's crouch, I should have bunched my legs up more so I would be able to bound forward if I needed to start running. I ended up about a tail-length short of where I wanted to be, crashing onto the forest floor, the mouse now safely taking cover in it's tiny hole in the ground. Rising, I shook most of the dirt off of my pelt, glaring at the mouse hole. _I rarely catch any prey to bring back for the clan, even the youngest apprentice can beat me in battle training. Where do I belong in ThunderClan? Where!? _I asked myself, looking up to gaze at a break in the trees where I could get a clear view of the stars. For once, they did not twinkle in response. Lowering my gaze, I abandoned the mouse hole and continued on my way.

0o0o0o0o0o

At last I reached the lake, the half-moon shining delicately on it's surface. I padded over the sandy shore, stopping only when the water was less than a tail-length from my paws. Silently, I gazed at the magnificent lake. It's dark surface was motionless tonight, reflecting everything that was around it. Faintly, I could see the faint reflection of the gathering island on it's surface. The stars shined like eyes on the lake's surface, each one making it's individual mark on the world. Brightest of all, the moon was at the very center of the lake, reminding me of the moonpool trip that I had missed. Sighing, I remembered that last gathering, the one where I had officially lost everything I had ever cared for.

0o0o0o0o0o

_The moon was shining bright in the sky, casting it's silver light on the short grass that grew on the gathering island. The trees loomed overhead, bringing a measurable amount of shadow to the area. I trotted briskly alongside Jayfeather, both of us heading for the small space toward the edge of the clearing that all medicine cats sit by during the gathering._

_Despite the normal appearance that everything had, I felt on edge. It hadn't even been a moon since my three kits, Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf, had discovered that I am their true mother. I had noticed the way that they avoided eye contact with me. How they no longer talked to Squirrelflight, and the new way they acted around Brambleclaw. I was truly afraid at how the truth may affect my three lovely kits. I had never intended to hurt them with my secret, and I often found myself seared by grief when I feel that I have. I remembered that time when I had told Hollyleaf that I was her mother. She had reacted badly. Very badly. I didn't think the truth would hurt her as much as it did. Perhaps I should have expected it. Perhaps I did. I just didn't know how to react. _

_Twitching my whiskers in uncertainty, I took my place among the other medicine cats just as the gathering began._

"_The Gathering has begun," Leopardstar announced, her spotted gold pelt shining in the moonlight. "RiverClan will report first. Prey is running well. Mistyfoot, Reedwhisker, and Rainstorm drove a fox out of out territory." Stepping back, she gave a quick nod to Blackstar._

"_ShadowClan is thriving. Littlecloud has taken Flamepaw as his apprentice, and introduced him to StarClan at the Moonpool." Blackstar reported_

_I spared a quick glance toward the young ginger tom, whose eyes were shining with pride. A few cats shouted "Flamepaw! Flamepaw!" but it passed by quickly._

_After that Onestar reported. "WindClan has little to report this moon. My warriors found a dead sheep in the ThunderClan border stream, so we dragged it out to prevent the water from becoming poisoned." With that, he stepped back and waved his tail toward Firestar._

_The flame-colored ThunderClan leader got to his paws, the moon causing his green eyes to shimmer. "Sol has left the forest," he began. "We-"_

"_About time, too," Blackstar interrupted, a growl in his voice._

"_I'm glad you saw sense at last, Firestar." Leopardstar mewed coldly, dipping her head toward Firestar._

_Firestar returned the nod politely, but his eyes flashed all the same. "Besides that-"_

"_WAIT!" a yowl split the air, a yowl that sounded surprisingly like-_

"_There's something that I have to say that all the clans should hear." Sure enough, I could spot a little black head with startling green eyes sitting above the rest. My blood ran cold and I felt a twinge of fear. Fear for what was about to happen. _Hollyleaf, what are you doing?!

_I saw Lionblaze try and pull Hollyleaf down, they exchanged a few words that I couldn't hear. Turning around, I could see that Jayfeather looked utterly horrified._

"_You think you-" Hollyleaf began._

"_Hollyleaf!" Firestar's voice rang down from the massive oak tree that he sat perched upon. "If you have anything important to say here, it should have been discussed with me first. Be silent now, and whatever's troubling you, I'll talk to you about it tomorrow."_

_Even from so far away, I could see Hollyleaf tense. _Surely she won't disobey Firestar! _I thought desperately. _

"_No! I _will _speak now!" A large portion of the cats in the clearing gasped, and I felt panic overtake me. I couldn't concentrate on what the leaders said next. There was just blank shock in my mind. At last, I could finally comprehend what Firestar was saying._

"_Very well, Hollyleaf, say what you have to. And StarClan grant you don't regret it." The clearing turned deathly silent then, so quiet that I could hear my heart beating in my own chest, it's tempo steadily increasing. Every set of eyes were trained on my darling kit, every pair._

"_You think you know me, and my brothers, Lionblaze and Jayfeather of ThunderClan. You think you know us, but everything you have been told about us is a lie! We are not the kits of Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight!"_

"_What?!" Brambleclaw sat up immediately from where he was with the other deputies. His amber eyes gleamed with an inner fire. "Squirrelflight, why is she talking such nonsense?"_

_Squirrelflight stood up, her tail drooping. I couldn't see her eyes, but I could easily guess what she was feeling. "I'm sorry Brambleclaw, but it's true. I'm not their mother, and you are not their father."_

_Brambleclaw stared at Squirrelflight, shock obvious in his gaze, but he still managed to speak. "Then who is?"_

_Squirrelflight turned toward Hollyleaf, whose green gaze was hard as stone. "Tell them Hollyleaf. I kept the secret for seasons; I'm not going to reveal it now." I felt a flash of love for my sister. Even though the truth was out, or would be out in a matter of moments, she still refused to say it out loud. But that flash was quickly overcome by grief._ This is all my fault!

"_Coward!" Hollyleaf hissed. Her green gaze quickly swept over the clearing before she continued with her speech. "I'm not afraid of the truth! Leafpool is our mother, and Crowfeather- yes, Crowfeather of WindClan- is our father!" In response to this, the cats all around the clearing uttered shocked yowls. Despite this, Hollyleaf continued to speak, shouting over them. "These cats were so ashamed of us that they gave us away and lied to every single one of you to hide the fact that they had broken the warriors code. It's all _her _fault!" Hollyleaf motioned with her tail toward me. "How can the Clan survive when there are cowards and liars at the very heart of them?"_

_The yowls and shrieks of the other cats were now louder than they had ever been, but I was oblivious to the chatter. My secret was out, there was nothing I could do about it. _It's all my fault… _These words echoed in my ears, my mind, and in my heart. I couldn't change them._

_Amid all the chattering and screeching, my old love, Crowfeather, sprang to his paws. His eyes were like a torrent of rushing water, pulsing and pounding with the current. "She's the one who's lying!" he screeched_

_This was chaos. Complete and utter chaos. _Because of me… _Thoughts flew through my head faster than wildfire. One idea led to the next, each more ridiculous than the last. There was only one clear solution. I had to put this to rest. Silently, I stood up. As if waiting for it to happen, the entire clearing fell silent once again. All eyes were on me, from the terrified eyes of my mother, Sandstorm, to the calm eyes of Squirrelflight. "It's true, Crowfeather. I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, but there was never a right time." I was full of grief as I said those words. Grief at what my secrets were doing to my clan. Grief at what Squirrelflight was going to have to handle after this. But mostly, grief at what my choices had done to my kits. My perfect kits…_

_Crowfeather flattened his ears against his head. "You mean nothing to me, Leafpool. That moon has passed. My loyalty is only to WindClan, and I have no kits other than Breezepelt." his voice was cold as ice. Colder even. It hurt. Oh, how it hurt. To lose the respect of my kits. To lose the cat I love. There was only one thing left in my life that was important, and that was about to be taken away as well. _

_I knew that I couldn't argue. There wasn't anything to argue about. Dipping my head, I looked up at my father. "I know that I cannot be ThunderClan's medicine cat any longer. I'm very sorry to you, Firestar, and to all my Clanmates. Please know that I tried my best, and regretted what I had done with every single breath." My voice cracked on the last word, but I continued. I still had one more thing to say. "But I couldn't regret having my kits. They are fine cats, and I will always be proud of them." I gave my love, Crowfeather, one last look before I padded across the clearing, my tail low to the ground, my head bowed. Even after I had left the clearing and crossed the tree bridge, the silence persisted._

0o0o0o0o0o

That was only a half-moon ago. It wasn't that old of a memory, but nevertheless, it felt like seasons ago. Life has gone by slower than I would have imagined as a warrior. It went by even slower knowing that my kits hated me with every fiber of their being, and that my only love no longer feels the same he once did. One could say that I no longer have anything to live for. Perhaps I don't. I had even used that as an excuse to escape death. Arguably, that experience was even worse than the first.

0o0o0o0o0o

_I slowly padded into the ThunderClan camp. The once comforting stone walls were now terrifying boulders shrouded in darkness, trapping me within. Wishing to escape, I padded over to the medicine den so I could get a good nights sleep. As I entered the den, I saw Hollyleaf's bright green eyes staring at me, glittering with hatred. I wasn't surprised. To this day, I do not know why I wasn't. Perhaps I expected it in the deepest part of my mind. Whatever caused it, I could only stare at my daughter, numb with shock and weariness._

"_Hollyleaf." I started. "It's all right. I forgive you." _Surely that is why she is here, right? _Wrong._

"_What!" Hollyleaf leaped to her paws, sounding outraged. "_You _forgive _me? _Your the one who needs forgiveness! You abandoned your kits! You let us grow up in a web of lies, and now the warrior code might be broken forever because of your stupid, selfish, actions!"_

"_Do you think you need to tell me that?" I replied. "I can only tell you how much I love you. I'm sorry for what I did." That was as truthful as I could be. I meant that when I said it to her, but that wasn't what Hollyleaf wanted to hear._

"_And you expect me to forgive you?" she snarled, fur bristling. "Well, I don't. I never will." she padded around me and stood in the entrance to the den, blocking the exit. "See those deathberries? You're going to eat them- or I'll make you!" _

"_What?" I asked, confused. _My daughter wants me dead? _I thought, turning to look at the small pile of red berries that I hadn't noticed until now._

"_Eat them! You deserve to die!" Hollyleaf crouched, ready to show that she would carry out with her threat if need be. "I've killed once, and I can do it again!" she snarled, baring her fangs._

_At that moment, I understood what Hollyleaf wanted. _Her world has crumbled to dust with the knowledge that she is half-clan. So she wants to take the one who she blames for it, me, down with her. She wants me to suffer, just as she has. "_Hollyleaf, I have lost my kits, the one cat I loved, and my calling as a medicine cat. Which do you think would be easier for me, to die or to go on living?"_

_There was only one answer to that question. Quiet as a mouse, my daughter stood aside, allowing me to pad past her and out of the den._

0o0o0o0o0o

A light breeze raced across the lake, causing miniscule ripples in the dark water. It tickled my whiskers and made my pale tabby pelt flutter, causing me to come back to the present. Blinking wearily, I gazed up toward the half-moon that hovered elegantly over the lake. It was at it's highest point right now. Jayfeather and the other medicine cats would be at the Moonpool at this moment, receiving their dreams from StarClan. I closed my eyes. My world had fallen apart in a single night. Just a single night. That was all it took. Once again, I remembered that words that I used to escape death.

"_I have lost my kits, the one cat I loved, and my calling as a medicine cat. Which for you think would be easier for me, to die or to go on living."_

That one sentence rang over and over in my head, gradually getting louder until I couldn't take it anymore. _What do I have left to live for? Should I have taken that chance of death while I still had it? Would it have been the right thing to do? _My kits hate me, my one true love no longer cares for me, and my clan will never be able to trust me again. What more is there?

While I was despairing, with my head bowed and my tail limp, I suddenly felt someone press up against my side. Averting my gaze from the ground they were trained on, I turned to see my old StarClan mentor Spottedleaf. Her fur was shimmering as if it was frosting over, but her pale, amber eyes were shining bright.

"Sp-Sp-Spottedleaf!" I gasped, stuttering. "Wha-What-"

My old StarClan mentor stopped me, mid-speech, by flicking my muzzle with her tail. "Hush, my dear," she murmured, "all will be well."

Struck dumb, all I could do was stare at Spottedleaf in disbelief. Struggling to find my voice, I managed to stutter, "But-But, I broke the warrior code!"

Spottedleaf stared at me with calm, yet sorrowful eyes. "My dear Leafpool, it pains me to see you like this. Yes, you did break the warrior code, but sometimes breaking the code can not always be prevented. You are not the first, nor the last medicine cat to break it." she took a moment to curl her tail around her paws and continued, still gazing at me with sad eyes. "I promise you, everything will improve."

"How can it?" I whispered.

Spottedleaf blinked slowly. "Even the most ironbound grudges cannot last forever. One day, you kits will need you not only as a member of ThunderClan, but as a member of their family as well. I can promise you that. " With a last flick of her tail, the StarClan cat faded away, the stars at her paws flickering like moonlit snow.

I stared at the place Spottedleaf had just disappeared from for several moments. _Is it true? _I wondered. _Will my kits someday forgive me for what I have done?_ Looking up at the stars, and the moon that was slowly lowering in the sky, I realized that Spottedleaf would not tell me something that she believed to be untrue. After a moment to consider it, I knew that I agreed with her. _And also…_ I shifted my position on the sand, so that my paws were slightly wet. _There is still much that I have to live for. Even if my kits don't want me around, I still want the chance to see them grow up. Jayfeather will be a wonderful addition to ThunderClan as a medicine cat, and Lionblaze is such a strong warrior, someday he will make a great father. _

Sighing, I bent over the lakeshore. The dark blue surface and the light of the moon made my reflection appear in the shallow water. I could clearly see my deep amber eyes, the color of a sunset. My brown tabby fur was the color of bark on a tree, and my stripes were a dark cream color. I blinked slowly at what I was, and what I had become. I may have lost my kits, the one I love, and my post as a medicine cat, but I hadn't lost everything. No, only death would have stripped everything away. But I am not dead. As long as I am alive, I will continue to do everything I can for my clan and my kits. No, not only while I am alive, even when I am in StarClan, I will do everything I can to help them. Nothing will stop me.

**Hmmm... Looking back, I'm not sure if I got Leafpool's personality right. Tell me what you think in the comments!**


End file.
